MINT: Adventures of the Hollow Cat

Disclaimer: Parts of this entry may or may not be exaggerated and made up for story line effect. Based on a true story.

Living in a basement has it's ups and downs. Where I'm from there are basically zero basements, so to me it's all down. Pun intended. I happen to be one of "those people" that gets freaked out easily just by some weird unexplained sound or murky feeling. I turn a recently watched horror movie into some real life event that could be deterred if and only if I turn on a light before walking in to any room. I have even been guilty of ripping back the shower curtain ... Just to check. Better to be safe than sorry.  If you can relate, you're not alone. If not, bare with me.

So the story begins on a cold blustery winter day. It seems just a bit cooler than most and something is just off. The heater creaks as it tries it's hardest to combat the cold drafts that find their way into the room through the crack underneath the door. It's a battle and the heater is losing judging by the constant clicking and moans that are exuding from it. A shiver runs down my spine. 

To get my mind of the three g's (ghouls goblins and ghosts), I decide to watch some brainless show. 

Merrrrrrrrrrrrowwww! 

!!!!!!!! My hair stands on end! WHAT WAS THAT?! WHERE DID IT COME FROM?! Michael Myers? Jason? Freddy? Images from every horror film I've ever watched race through my mind to make one big ultimate horror story cascading over every thought. I whisper a faint "Hello?" then immediately slapped my forehead with my palm. I just pulled the infamous "horror film typical line muttered before the character gets killed" line. Great, I'm sure to die now. "Get ahold of yourself" I muttered before going to look for the culprit of the sound.

...... To be continued.

Just another day

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Living in a winter wonderland sure is a big change from the small town Texas lifestyle I grew up in. I like the snow though but the blowing cold winds... Not so much! One thing I do enjoy is a good shopping excursion! I mean c'mon what girl doesn't?? To be honest almost anything to get me out of the house is appreciated... Being a stay at home wife isn't all it's cracked up to be (besides the sleeping in part, it's glorious!) I am an extrovert that likes staying busy and on the go with friends. Staying home watching gossip girl has kept me sane... I think.

Anyway... So big mouth phooey says she has some days off coming up and we should get together to do some baking. I'm all over that idea since I also like to bake. One morning Gramma comes down stairs to tell me that big mouth phooey will be coming over shortly for a trip to her favorite store.... Costco! Anytime I've gone shopping with big mouth phooey it's been to that store and it never fails money will be gone by the time we leave. It's almost like its a play place for grown ups.

Big mouth phooey arrives yelling for me to hurry my ass and we are on our way! We arrive early and there's already no parking. Word of advice: don't go to costco around the holidays! There's a line to get in and we are all freezing our butts off waiting. What the hell takes so long anyway?! Oh yeah it's an exclusive store for members. Not impressed.

We finally get in and it's as if it's big mouth phooeys first time. Everything is a deal or steal!! "Sonicare toothbrushes: $100!!! What no way!!!!  A fleece jacket: $30 it's an amazing deal you should get 5!!!! " I could go on but I think you get the point. Every product gets pointed out and talked about like its a must for any rational household. Even the newest Nora Roberts book. Ugh. I soon find out that the distraction of bigger better deals soon gets out of hand when I have to continually rescue our cart from abandonment in the middle of isles along the way. People keep shooting me the annoyed eye and I have to give them the apologetic "yes I know it shouldn't be left there so that you can get by" shrug. By this time our cart is full of anomalies and various food products that we must have to feed the pack of wolves we know as family. By the way the 3 lb cake ice cream log that was a must didn't even get touched. Toooooo much foooooood. After loading up at costco we then made our way across the city to a walmart. I was over shopping at this point... It takes a lot out of you. 

I text Lita for some sanity and big mouth phooey noticed that I was quiet... You can't be quiet around BMP. "You should invite Lita to come to walmart and then get a mcdonalds coffee with us" Litas response.."I'd rather stick my tongue on a frozen post!" And I'm trapped again with deals, savings, and cart rescuing. Shopping: the newest evil. Now home to bake!!

Stop the car!

One day I was driving down the alley with the picker. It's exactly like Mavs says it is.  Busted up cars, sketchy people hanging out in the garage. Beware of dog signs everywhere.  At the end of the alley are these apartments building in dire need of repair.  They've been the same way since I was a kid. We used to find a door with a jimmied lock and venture inside.  The halls were always so dark and smelled of food that was probably cooked in the last ten years.  We were explorers, adventurers.  Every once in a while somebody would scream at us and try to chase us out the building.  We'd scatter like little bugs.  There were 6 of us all running as fast as we could down the long dark corridors, trying to bust out in the sunshine.  To the other side. So I'm driving down the alley and there is this huge trash container, that people pile up their junk as they move out.  All of a sudden the Picker screams, "STOP THE CAR, stop the car! I slam on my brakes thinking a cat has meandered in front of my vehicle. "Are you crazy!" I yell.  She gets out of the car and slams the door shut.  I don't ask questions when it comes to her.  I let her go.  She trails down to the garbage cans and starts digging.  All of a sudden out come two lamps complete with stained shades.  The look on her face is priceless, the biggest grin ever and she starts walking back toward my car.  I throw it in reverse and pin it backwards. She starts running after me with these huge ugly lamps, lampshades bouncing around with bobble heads. I lock my doors and open the window.  " YOU ARE NOT taking those things in my car!!" "There is nothing wrong with these, open the door you asshole!" She replies. I yell back at her " you dug those out of the ghetto apartment dumpsters, I don't care if you think they are gold, you are not bringing those into my car!" I think she was more shocked than anything, like she actually thought I would think this was a great idea.  She throws me an ugly glare and starts back down the alley to the beehive.  Screaming obscenities all the way down the street.  As I look in the rear view mirror after her I have to laugh.  She totally reminded me of that IKeA commercial where the lady comes out of the store with the big buy and screams START THE CAR, start the car.

Blow up already!

There is nothing that drives me crazier than watching my granny fuss about her old large tube tv. I swear you can get radioactive poisoning standing too close to it.  Well, right at this moment, she is trying to figure out why the remote control for the cable box is not working.  Right now, the tv has turned itself on and off about 50 times.  On and off it goes.  "Son of a beech, that stupid tv, it no work. Ah, shit, son of a beech! " I can't help but laugh at the whole ordeal.  What's worse is that I managed to pry it from her hands to try to figure out what button was pressed or flicked to the off position but its so off course that I don't know where to start.  Out comes the flashlight, out comes gramps to see what the fuss is about. On off, on off, on off.  She grabbed it again and says that all you have to do is press every damn button on this thing and it'll reset itself.  Hmmmm, I wonder if life could be that easy. So we're sitting in the dark, the big black box is resisting the urge to blow itself up.  On off, on off.  I'm losing my mind.  I wonder if The Pervert or Nancy is going to have to make a housecall to fix the thing for the tenth time this month.  its an hour away from the nightly news,  There is nothing that I can do but get some lighter fluid and set the thing on fire. A girl can dream right? Oh good thing The suit just arrived, he's gonna give it a go. Well, I'll be darned.  It works! I need a nap. 

Hot tub anyone?

Winter is here full force and I can honestly say I have never lived in so much snow. Everyone just laughs a knowing laugh that indicates I'm completely nieve and the worst is yet to come. Good thing I love boots and scarves and mittens and all things winter related.

The best thing in the winter is glitter snow. You know the kind of snow I'm talking about... Very light and has a certain sparkle as it falls that it's almost like diamonds surrounding you (hey a girl can dream). It all just seems and feels so magical you can't help but be in an instant better mood just watching it fall outside your window.

Another perk of winter would be hot tubs... It's the perfect time for them!! It's a refuge from the cold while still enjoying the outdoors. You find that nice corner spot that allows you to sink back and spread out with jets massaging from your neck down to your toes. Awwwwhhhh Such bliss.

But with every perk comes problem or so it would seem... High electric bill, maintenance, etc. I assume one of these problems seemed to have been an issue for a neighbour 3 houses down the alleyway recently. A few months back there was lots of discussion around garbage picking (which will be a topic for a later date) and as we were traveling down the alley one day, The Suit notices this hot tub and makes a comment like we should get it. Looking back I don't think he was serious but since it had been a hobby of sorts at the time, I was a little worried that we would end up with some broken disgusting left over stale someone else's butt touched hot tub like it was a good idea. Thankfully the thought passed and the negatives were processed with the idea and no action was taken (I'm sure our lives were spared). This was back in September.

A couple days ago the infamous hot tub was moved. Instead of rotting in the back of its owners house, they apparently thought it would be a good idea to instead let it rot on its side in the snow by our neighbours back yard who lives on the corner (WHAT JERKS). As Captain drops off the young babe there was a comment made in hopes it falls while driving by so charges can be pressed for such stupidity. (I wouldn't hope for such a headache but to each his own!)

Yesterday, it fell. And no not on captains vehicle, or anyone else's for that matter. It fell over right smack dab in the middle of the entryway of the alley. Meaning we all have to go all the way around just to get to our garage. Idiots. I can't help but wonder what neighborhood turds are going to now see this as a community hot tub fit for using right where it's at. I can see it now "hey joe bring your cooler of beer, we got a hot tub!!!" Interrupted in thought, Gramma comes home and first thing out of her mouth, "WHAT THE HELL THAT HOT TUB DOING OUT THERE?!"

Calm before the Storm

Well the weekend has now passed and we are all back "on the grind" as it's called. What does that mean anyway and why do we keep finding ourselves doing something that most of us hate? Does any one really like being awoken by an alarm clock? I sure don't.

Living in the basement of an elderly couple comes with its own set of alarms. Sometimes I wonder if I even need a reminder to get up from my phone. It never fails that there is shit to be given in the early A.M. from Gramma to Grampa. It all starts like this...

Dreams. Clouds. ZzZ's. The quiet slumber of sleeping making the night fly by without notice. Snow falling silently outside covering the sidewalks and roadways. Rejuvenation. I find it funny that as you get older it seems like you sleep less and less, waking up at 5 AM like its normal, and drinking mounds of coffee. Anyhoo, this morning did not disappoint in alarms. Gramma is going on a trip to Saskatoon (so fun to say) which is in Saskatchewan (also fun). She must have been excited to leave because she was awake much earlier than usual this morning. I awake to stomping and a few crash bams and booms of things being jostled about upstairs. My first reaction is to think that maybe I had overslept and I am now behind on my morning schedule. I immediately check my phone. Nope. WAYYYY too early. and nope. Husband, The Suit, is still sound asleep. I try to go back to sleep.
By this time Gramps is up (I assume from the noise as well) and I'm seeing it pan out in my mind. He is curious and investigates what is happening. In doing so, he must have said or done something to spark "the shit".  -The Shit I'm referring to is the kind a family member or friend gives to help you "wise up" but instead makes you feel like a complete dumbass. It's given with the best intention but probably has the worst impact but none the less is still given. "YOU HAVE TO GIVE 'EM SHIT!!" I've heard Gramma say so many times.-  I never know exactly what Grampa has done this time but Polish words are flying and the loud booming voices seem to flow through the air vents with the warm air. I stop to ponder how I could close that up and still get warmth and just give up when I hear the door fly open and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM the stomping of feet to clear the snow off of shoes.
Big Mouth Phooey has just arrived and I realize sleep is now a lost cause. She has come to pick up Gramma to take her to the bus for her mini vacation. She has also joined in on the yelling and shit. Then comes the ever present CHING CHING CHING CHING CHING CLANG CLANG CHING. - Yes our house also transforms into a casino equipped with slot machines, bingo and loud music.- It's as if it just wasn't loud enough so something else had to be added to counteract the silence. The house is a full buzz now and its not quite 6:30 AM. I toss and turn and turn and toss. Pillow over my head. left. right. Blanket over my head. leg up. Now I'm too hot. leg out. Now I'm too cold. UGH. And then.....
BEEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEEP. There's the alarm clock indicating the day needs to begin.

Why are you yelling at me?

We yell.  All of us.  Not because we're mad or upset.  Its because the loudest one wins.  Nybody who is knew that meets the family pretty much wonders why we are all mad at each other.  Especially if there is more than 3 in the room.  My grandfather is as deaf as a post.  He tries to lip read but doesn't do a good job of it.  He just gets mad and starts scowling.  I guess when your 96 years old you can grump and bitch at whatever you want. So we sit around the kitchen table, which is usually the hub of all conversations.  It's usually big mouth phooey, Mavs, granny, the hermitess and me.  Actually the hermitess, usually leaves as soon as we all gather.  She has a problem with people.  At first I just thought she was anti social but I really don't think that she likes anybody, even her daughter.  She hates caffeine but loves her alcohol. It's never too early for a beer.  My granny gets on her back at every given situation and then the bickering begins. We talk about everything. From the amount of shovels that my grandpa has collected to how long is too old to keep something past the expiration date.  One time I had a craving for celery and cheese whiz, slathered it on thick, took a bite and felt like somebody shit in my mouth.  Foul, nasty, stank, burning.  Seems 2 years is not long enough to throw out.  I threw it out.  I'm pretty sure grampa dug it out and put it back in the fridge.  I haven't had cheese whiz since.  And I'm pretty sure I let everyone know about it around the table.  I'm pretty sure they heard me down the block too.